God's Embrace

Loneliness is God's cry for intimacy with us.

Maybe so, but that doesn't make loneliness any easier to deal with. I'm in that awkward stage of relationships where I have plenty of acquaintances, but not enough friends. There are plenty of girls I can have fun with, but I don't the the depth I so intensely desire. And then there are those who I only have deep conversations with, yet having fun seems to be an issue. Thankfully, Chrissy and Tyler are truly friends. I'm able to laugh and be silly with them and I'm also able to get down and talk about difficult things. They really are a blessing in my life. 

I was on Cru's Fall Getaway this weekend.

Anyway, Fall Getaway... we had a fantastic speaker who reminded us of the Gospel. It was challenging and convicting. I had plenty of things to think about with God. Grace was beautiful once again. And yet, I didn't enjoy Fall Getaway. I was lonely. I was surrounded by people, I was even with some people I knew. I didn't really meet any new people. I wasn't refreshed by challenging conversations. I left without feeling the "community" that I was searching for.

Time. These things take time. Relationships have generally been one of my strengths; making friends isn't generally difficult. I forget that these things take time. I've begun to impatiently tap my foot and silently wonder, "Why is this taking so long, God?"

This loneliness has also made me realize how much I love my guy friendships elsewhere. I must say, I haven't made any guy friends here yet. Again, plenty of acquaintances, yet no friends. I wonder how long it will take for me to have friends who make fun of me, who challenge me to dumb competitions, who listen to me, who make me laugh... who are like brothers. If you're one those guys in my life... thank you. Know that I miss you terribly.

A hurting heart is hard to take to God. Why? I'm not sure. But its hard. And yet, I've had to push past the difficulty and lay it at his feet again and again. When I'm craving deep friendships, and hugs and fellowship, I can ask God to fill that desire with himself-- with his presence.

Last night was quite difficult. As I cried and talked to one of my friends, he said something...

"Viv, I wish I could hug you right now. But let God hug you. His hug is enough."

The Hunger of Humanity

Belonging.

It's a natural desire... the desire to fit in, to put roots in. But I've found myself struggling with two conflicting... desires? fears? The desire to belong here... and then the fear of becoming American and losing Colombia. I'm not going to lie... its been hard. I feel like I'm moving forward and accepting living here, in America, and then I fear that I'm losing Colombia-- that I didn't love it enough. I know that this is a lie, but its one of those... comforting lies.

Life is starting to feel... normal. I feel like the foreigner less and less, yet I often find myself trying to prove that I'm still not from America. Why? I don't even know... its as if differentiating myself will set me apart in values, morals and world views. I guess, in a way it does. But that can't be enough. Instead of trying to show I'm "different" I should focus on living differently. Besides WHO am I trying to differentiate myself from? I've met incredibly passionate American Christians here who love God with everything they are and all that they have. I'm learning to see past the American stereotype... I'm learning to adjust my prejudices.

My mom visited a couple of weeks ago. It was a fabulous weekend. It was nice to simply talk to someone who KNOWS me. I didn't find myself having to "contextualize" my life for her. She didn't need an explanation for my choosing U of I... or for my English fluency... or my non-Colombian appearance. She didn't need to ask if I spoke Spanish. She didn't wonder how I could be friends with my teachers in high school. She wasn't curious as to what poverty looked like in Colombia. She knew me and could talk to me and listen to me with all that in mind. It was refreshing. I hadn't realized how exhausting "contextualizing" had become. Granted, now that I'm finishing my eighth week here at U of I, many people know these things already... but still, it isn't the same. I still feel like there's a huge part of me they'll never know unless they go to Colombia. And there's truth to that... they never will.

I've been looking for a church to get involved with. The one church I was hesitant to visit is now the one church I'm most considering attending. Funny how God works things out. Twin City Bible Church is a church on campus within walking distance. I ended up going on Sunday because I had no other ride to a different church. I loved the sermon. I met a family from Honduras. It was exciting. That Sunday they talked to all the new students about opportunities to get involved. I've been attending a book discussion and the youth pastor is already contacting me for ways of helping out with youth ministries there. Continue praying with me as I make the final decision.

My eyes have been opened to a whole new realm of ministry. A ministry in which my hands and knees don't get dirty. A ministry in which I have nothing of material value to give. A ministry that is often disregarded-- or at least, I have often disregarded it. This is the ministry of college students. The brokenness is overwhelming. God's changed my perspective. Everywhere I look, I see souls in need of Jesus. My senses are hyperactive trying to gauge where this person stands in relation to my Savior.

Yes, I miss the ministry to the poor that I was able to be a part of in Colombia. Yes, I get extremely homesick when I see pictures of "my kids" in various ministries back home. Yes, I wish there were homeless people around who I could buy meals for... but, I'm being broken down and amazed at the new ministry before me.

"Do you really believe that Jesus came to change the world? Tell me, do you actually believe that? Do you believe that is love is enough to conquer hatred and pain? Do you? Do you believe in the bread of life who came from heaven to feed the hunger of humanity? Tell me, do you believe that?"

Blurred Time.

"EIGHT FORTY-EIGHT?!" I sat up so abruptly that I startled Chrissy.
She gave me a knowing and somewhat sympathetic smile, "Did you have class?"

I did. I had class at 9:00. And it was a 10 minute walk... on a good day. I groaned and rolled over. I did not want to get into the habit of skipping class, but then again, sleeping in sounded close to heavenly. BUT I missed one class last week because I decided to take a nap, but forgot to change my alarm from AM to PM. I couldn't skip another class-- especially not one with eight people in it (seriously).

Tyler (my very responsible roommate) woke up and gave me a stern mom tone of voice, "Get up NOW. Run to your class. GO!"

I figured she was probably a lot wiser than I was. I climbed down from my bunk, put a different t-shirt on and decided that my basketball shorts would be just fine. With a granola bar in hand and my backpack thrown together, I ran out the door at 8:53.

I made it on time, but the bad news is that I missed a different class that same day. Wow. I really need to figure my schedule out.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Weeks are starting to blur now... I feel like they just roll in and through and then out again. Four weeks now... I guess I've realized-- or perhaps re-realized-- how adaptive we are as humans. This life feels normal now. I've created habits and routines. I've established patterns and I get used to walking past the same people day after day. I feel like I was just updating this blog, but then I realize... its been a week. Ahh, time.

I've embraced new "American habits," if you will. Bear with me.

- Chrissy introduced me to the TV show Pushing Daisies. However, they don't show it anymore, so she has access to both seasons. We started watching from season 1. My first experience was around 1 am, earphones plugged into her laptop, and desperate attempts to stifle giggles as Tyler dreamed on... So, yeah. With that said, I love the show. We've started watching and episode (or two) every night. Its become a bonding experience (ok, so maybe I'm justifying it a little bit). But in all honesty, we've opened the door and random girls have come and joined us.

- Ice cream. Oh, ice cream. Chrissy decided to stash ice cream in our freezer. I wish I was kidding, but right now-- as I type-- there are four pints of ice cream in our freezer. I'm pretty sure that there are four empty ones in the garbage as well. Wow. Who would have thought. I used to think I was a healthy eater. Perhaps not.

Yeah, I think my Americanization ends there =).

I'm still having issues with my bank. For those of you who don't know... I've had a series of complications ranging from an invalid pin to an invalid card, from my name misspelled to an illegible pin request. Basically, I'm sick of this bank... and I'm quickly getting wary of banks in general. I miss getting paid cash. Haha.

(I'm noticing how scattered this post is... sorry :] )

Cru Fall Getaway is coming up at the beginning of October. I'm excited to get away and get to know more people. From what I understand, a couple of hundred people will be going. I'm excitedd :)

Cru has something called Community Groups (CG) on Thursday nights. It's a time to meet in a smaller setting (guys and girls). After a short time of fellowship, we break off into smaller groups and have a Bible study.

Friday night was quite fun. Tyler and I were going to go to a concert that I had seen ads up for. However, when we got there we realized that I had been wrong... and the concert was for Saturday night. Sigh. Instead, we went roller skating

Oh, and of course... my mom's coming to visit next weekend. Woot, woot. It'll be fun showing her around... maybe go ice skating or to a football game or something. We'll see :)