"You choose to allow your calling to be shaped by those with whom you enter into relationship with," Melinda, my mentor, explained. It sounded so basic, so elementary, and yet... so new. My calling isn't some pristine concept that can't be touched or changed? Oh wait, people influence and even change my "calling?"
I nodded my head a lot more convincingly than my heart was feeling. It made sense... I mean, it seemed like it should make sense. Of course what we do in life is heavily influenced by who we interact with.
"That's why knowing Jesus changes us... because we're in a relationship with him... relationships transform," she continued.
But that fear was there... I didn't want my calling, my dream, my desire, my passion of working with the poor outside of America to change. That wasn't in my plans. But really, when does God do ANYTHING according to my "plans?" Not often.
Maybe he isn't going to change that passion... maybe he is still going to send me deep into some slum or away to some remote village. Maybe. But maybe, he'll shape my desires and change my heart, through my interactions with people... people I allow to come close. And maybe its not about the poor... maybe its about my grip on this dream. Maybe that's what its about.
God didn't promise he wouldn't ask for the dream back.
Because in the end, its a lot more about following him, then following my "calling"...
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Desire
My heart catches in my throat and tears fill my eyes. This is beautiful.
Tyler informed me that she had found my life story online and she sent me the link. I opened it and couldn't stop reading this blog. Kisses from Katie. You can read it here. Katie's 22. She's lived in Uganda since graduating from high school. Since then she's adopted 14 girls and runs an NGO that supports over 400 orphans. It was so beautiful.
I kept reading while tears streamed down my face. The usual questions flooded through my mind. What am I even doing here? Why am I receiving a world-class education? When will I be there-- with the poor? And, I find that usually... I know the answers to those questions. I know that God has asked me to be here, in the middle of wealth and privilege, because he's preparing me. He's molding my heart. He's sanctifying me. He's challenging me. He's purifying me.
I know that he is.
Over the last year, I've struggled with this passion of mine a lot. I've prayed through my motives and struggled through my fears. I've tried to figure out if this desire is just a desire for adventure and an aversion to America. But I don't think that's what it is...
I want to live with the poor. I want to love and serve them. I want my ministry to be my life. I want dirty children clinging to me... I want to teach them to cling to Jesus. I want to have a home open to all who are thirsty... all who are hungry... all who are in need of love. I want it to witness redemption everyday. My heart cries out... to be there, to love in that way.
Tyler informed me that she had found my life story online and she sent me the link. I opened it and couldn't stop reading this blog. Kisses from Katie. You can read it here. Katie's 22. She's lived in Uganda since graduating from high school. Since then she's adopted 14 girls and runs an NGO that supports over 400 orphans. It was so beautiful.
I kept reading while tears streamed down my face. The usual questions flooded through my mind. What am I even doing here? Why am I receiving a world-class education? When will I be there-- with the poor? And, I find that usually... I know the answers to those questions. I know that God has asked me to be here, in the middle of wealth and privilege, because he's preparing me. He's molding my heart. He's sanctifying me. He's challenging me. He's purifying me.
I know that he is.
Over the last year, I've struggled with this passion of mine a lot. I've prayed through my motives and struggled through my fears. I've tried to figure out if this desire is just a desire for adventure and an aversion to America. But I don't think that's what it is...
I want to live with the poor. I want to love and serve them. I want my ministry to be my life. I want dirty children clinging to me... I want to teach them to cling to Jesus. I want to have a home open to all who are thirsty... all who are hungry... all who are in need of love. I want it to witness redemption everyday. My heart cries out... to be there, to love in that way.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
You are an instrument and God is the conductor
I love seeing the trees turn into a magnificent explosion of color. I love hearing the fallen leaves sweep across the pavement as they're blown and tossed in the wind. I love the cool breezes and warm sunshine. I love the smell of fall.
I love fall.
Fall means sleeping with the windows open. Fall means barn dances. Fall means pies and warm drinks.
Fall also means the semester is halfway over.
If I allow myself to dwell on that fact for a little too long, I have moments of panic. The list of spring courses came out yesterday, and course selection is coming up. Of course I haven't even opened the website. Study abroad applications are due in two months. Haven't started that application yet. Plane tickets to Colombia aren't getting cheaper... should probably get on that.
And time keeps ticking... it doesn't feel like it simply passes on by... it rushes and surges through us.
In the midst of busyness and to-do lists, it's hard to find rest in God's presence. It's easy to get discouraged. It's easy to fall into simply going through the motions. It's easy to focus on my mistakes and shortcomings.
A good friend of mine sent me this today:
It's as if you're an instrument, Viviana, and God is the conductor. You have the opportunity to play a variety of selections, and as long as you continue to follow God's guidance, you won't even notice the occasional missed beat. The mistakes will blend in with those around you who are making music with God as their conductor, and it will all become a beautiful chorus of praise.
I love fall.
Fall means sleeping with the windows open. Fall means barn dances. Fall means pies and warm drinks.
Fall also means the semester is halfway over.
If I allow myself to dwell on that fact for a little too long, I have moments of panic. The list of spring courses came out yesterday, and course selection is coming up. Of course I haven't even opened the website. Study abroad applications are due in two months. Haven't started that application yet. Plane tickets to Colombia aren't getting cheaper... should probably get on that.
And time keeps ticking... it doesn't feel like it simply passes on by... it rushes and surges through us.
In the midst of busyness and to-do lists, it's hard to find rest in God's presence. It's easy to get discouraged. It's easy to fall into simply going through the motions. It's easy to focus on my mistakes and shortcomings.
A good friend of mine sent me this today:
It's as if you're an instrument, Viviana, and God is the conductor. You have the opportunity to play a variety of selections, and as long as you continue to follow God's guidance, you won't even notice the occasional missed beat. The mistakes will blend in with those around you who are making music with God as their conductor, and it will all become a beautiful chorus of praise.
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