Love 'til it Hurts

And when it hurts, I suppose.
And though you know it'll hurt... right?

Wrong.

Or at least I haven't been doing that. I've been witholding love, knowing that my time here in Illinois is short. I expected to study abroad this Spring so I didn't want to get attached too much before I left. Turns out, I'm still here. Then, I was planning on studying abroad in the Fall and the Spring of my junior year, hoping to let those be my last semesters of university (yes, graduating a year early). Turns out, I'll be here in the Fall and at this rate, maybe I'll be away in the Spring.

I've never experienced this fear of attachment so strongly as I have here in Champaign-Urbana. What in the world? I've always been one to jump into relationships quickly and deeply precisely because I don't know just how much time I may have with them. I want to squeeze as much as I can out of the friendship. I want to soak up all the time I possibly can. I don't want to be able to look back and wish I had given more, shared more... loved more.

But something changed in me when I left Colombia a year and a half ago. As I said goodbye to too many people, too many places, too many times... my mindset switched and something in me began believing: Nothing will ever feel like home... again. And in a way, I was right. Every time I've been home since June 2010, less of my friends are back. My parent's have moved apartments. Last time, my brother wasn't home. Visiting school feels strange... as if I'm the new one there... and in a way... I am.

I'm the new one.

I've changed and been stretched and have grown and have been shaped by new experiences. And home only kind of feels like home anymore.

And so this sickening feeling, leaves me scrambling... But I've realized that instead of truly looking for that rooted sense, I simply guard myself from ever putting roots down. I don't want to be uprooted again-- which I inevitably will be upon graduation.

So, for the last year and a half (save a few exceptions), I've offered friendliness, given smiles, given hugs, had dinner dates, gone on walks, stayed up late, giggled and shared... yet never truly offered a friendship. I've let a precious few into my heart... enough to truly grab hold of the deepest parts of me and when I leave or they do (as they or I inevitably will, or some have already), they will rip out a little piece.

I've resisted attachment with a fierce determination, yet hesitating to admit to even myself for the longest time. It's as if I know that the deeper root of this isn't simply a fear of saying goodbye again, but pure selfishness. I don't want to give and give and give to people who will simply not be in my life (realistically) in the years to come. I don't want to go through the exhausting process of letting people truly know me in each new place I happen to land. It's draining and frankly, I don't always feel like I have the energy that I want to expend on getting to know people... truly getting to know them and to be known by them.

But as I look at the life of Christ, I cannot blame my upbringing where many people were terribly unstable on my lack of initiative here and now. I can't cling to my comfort of knowing that I am loved somewhere by some people that I knew somehow and keep everyone else at a distance. I can't brush off my hesitance to connect and truly love by simply saying, "But I've said too many goodbyes now..." That's not a good excuse.

Sure, it's a reason, but it's not an excuse.

If anyone had an excuse to not love because pain was inevitably coming, it was Jesus. If anyone could justify holding back because people would disappoint, it was Jesus. If anyone could claim that home was elsewhere and this was simply a fleeting reality, it was Jesus. And yet he didn't.

He didn't withhold love. He didn't. He invested and initiated and pursued and fought for and cherished and went out of his way and sought ways of deepening relationships. He allowed 12 men close who would all abandon him, deny him or betray him at one point in his life. He knew it would happen, yet he chose them and he loved them. I've always thought about the sacrifice on God's side... God didn't spare his own son... but it's more than that... Jesus didn't spare his self. Yes, he didn't spare his own life, but he also didn't spare his own love.

And that... that is so powerful.

Love 'til it hurts. And when it hurts. And when it will hurt.

Love. Always.

Mind of Christ

I want to have the mind of Christ.

Sometimes I get consumed wanting the actions of Christ. I want my outsides-- my exterior-- to closely align with Christ. I want my words to be edifying. I want my smile and hugs to bring joy to the people who surround me. I want to strive for excellence. I want to say the right things at the right times. I want to be composed and seem to perfectly balance my life. I want to have the right answers to tough questions. I want to be inviting and welcoming to strangers. I want my life to look like Christ's.

But more than that... more than my words and more than my actions...

I want the mind of Christ.

My actions are so deceptive... I can be so fickle. I can be grumpy just because I didn't get enough sleep. Or maybe I got enough sleep, but it wasn't good sleep. I can smile and be friendly because I'm lonely and want to fill a social need in me. I can be encouraging because I want to come across as loving; I want "them" to say, "She's so nice." I hate it. I've been told that actions simply reflect someone's heart... someone's mind. And sometimes I agree with that, and sometimes, I just don't. Sure, sooner or later, your heart will come out in your actions, but it's so easy to fake it for so long. My motivations can be so hidden from others... and at times, even from myself. I can, through discipline, change my actions for all practical purposes. I can be doing all the right things but my thoughts and heart can be so far from what I'm doing.

And so, I want the mind of Christ.

I want the deepest part of me... my mind... that secret and intimate place where I process everything... I want that place to reflect Christ. I want that place that is free from constant scrutiny to still show Jesus. Oh, that the place where I take in and process the world be a place that is pure. May my thoughts smell like Jesus... a pleasing aroma. When I make judgements about the people and places around me, may my logic be pleasing to him. When I'm laying awake at night, trying to fall asleep, would my thoughts wander... and would they wander into places that still bring glory to Him.

If we can grant Christ victory in the battlefield of our minds, then our actions follow suit. They genuinely follow. If I can learn, by grace, how to take every thought captive, then Christ has gained a significant victory over sin in my life.

Lately, I've been noticing that my words don't align with my thoughts... and that my thoughts are not Christ's. And I hate it so much. I tried to ignore it for a while, but I could tell that everything was being affected. My prayer life. My attitude. My optimism. My love for others. I couldn't ignore the fact that my mind is a critical battlefield... and lately, I've been feeling on the losing side.

And so, in the depth of my quiet times a new prayer arises.

I want your thoughts. I want the mind of Christ. 

Wonderful Birthday

As I write this, I am surrounded by color. I can turn my head slightly up and see lovely balloons. A slight glance to my left and I can behold beautiful roses. Right infront of me, streamers are hanging from our ceiling... and I'm twenty years old.

I'm not sure why, but I was going into this birthday with low expectations. Not sure why I had low expectations, but I just did. My friends or family have never given me any reason to expect a mediocre birthday, and yet, I wasn't letting myself think it'd be that great of a day. I mean, it's just a birthday, right? But in this post I'm going to try and explain how overwhelmed I felt on Monday. I felt SO loved and SO appreciated and SO special... and I thank each and every one of you for playing a role in that.

So, I here's an endeavor... an attempt to give you a snapshot of my wonderful birthday.

At 11:45 pm on January 29, 2012 Chrissy and I found ourselves in our dorm lounge doing some homework. I was texting Sierra and it hit me that I only had fifteen minutes left of being a teenager. "You can't spend your last fifteen minutes doing Arabic homework," Chrissy state matter-of-factly. I knew she was right, but I also knew that I had several hours left of homework. However, I conceded to her her urgings and we finally sprinted upstairs (we had 12 minutes left) to quickly build a fort using sheets in our room. The problem? Tyler was asleep, so we tried to control giggles and whispers to the minimum. We didn't do a very good job, I'm assuming since we ended waking Tyler up. Oops.

At midnight, Chrissy gave me a huge hug and mouthed, "Happy birthday!!" I couldn't stop smiling. She's ridiculous. I got online and Lucas was online ready to wish me a happy birthday as well =) After a quick chat with Lucas, I put on two pairs of tights, a pair of long underwear and a pair of sweatpants. Chrissy grabbed food, her ukelele, camera and computer while I grabbed a blanket... and then off we went to the top of the Krannert building. We had fun recording ourselves in different "accents" and writing songs.

Around 2 am we decided we should get some work done and our fingers were freezing, so we headed back to Busey. We grabbed some soup and black tea and went straight to the kitchen where we proceeded to do three hours of homework, finally getting to bed at 5 am. The next morning, 9:30 am came way too soon. I had been determined to think of my night of sleep as a loooong nap, that way it wouldn't sound so dreadful. But it was dreadful. Buuuuut... lovely door decorations awaited me and it definitely brought a smile to my face seeing cute notes all over my door =)

After a quick shower I was back to doing Arabic homework when I got a phone call from the front desk telling me I had to go pick up flowers. I laughed out loud and shook my head. So down I went. As I neared the desk, I saw a vase of beautiful roses and colorful balloons and a wrapped gift (chocolates!) and a teddy bear. The girl at the front desk mumbled, "Uhh... these are all for you." And I smiled and tried to stumble up the stairs with everything in my hands. Oh Lucas, you really can't do anything half-way, can you?

Luckily, I only had one class on Monday, so after Arabic I had lunch with Chrissy and then got to talk on the phone with my brother, Megan and my dad. It was great. By then, however, I was exhausted, so I decided to take a nap. After my nap, I showered again and decided to get ready for dinner with my lovely roommates.

At 6:00 pm, we left for Olive Garden in a borrowed car (thanks, Calen!). Dinner was great... good food and a lot of fun :) When we got back to our room, I walked in and there were streamers and balloons everywhere. A big "Happy Birthday" was spelled out using sticky notes on my wall.

We ended up taking a lot of fun pictures afterwards and below are my favorites :) If you want to see all of them you can click here.

Really, I was SO overwhelmed by all the love I received on my birthday. Thank you so much for all the texts, the calls, the notes, the letters, the emails, the cards, the Facebook wall posts, the little gifts, the hugs, the smiles, the decorations, the fun :)

I am blessed by all the people in my life... so, so, so blessed :) Thanks!!!