What if?

And some days I get very antsy.

I don't want to wait to get prepared and get trained and to finish schooling. I don't want to wait until then when there are people suffering now.

I've had plenty of spare time the last couple of days, so I've decided to listen to speakers or sermons each day. I've been extremely inspired the last two days. I stumbled upon the videos from Passion2012 and watched Francis Chan urging the church to just do it now. We have to act now. Just do what the Bible says... and do it now. And then today I watched Christine Caine talk about how her life had been interrupted and how we as Christians have been rescued... that Christ died for freedom, so that we can go help others find that freedom. And we need to do it... now.

She told a story of a Russian girl they rescued from a brothel in Eastern Europe. The girl asked why they had come; Christine told her about this loving God who rescued her and has sent Christians into the world to be light in the darkness. And she went on for a little bit... until the girl asked her, "If what you say about this God is true, why didn't you come sooner?"

That question sends chills down my spine.

Yes, there will be poor and hungry children when I'm done with school. Yes, there will still be trafficking victims when I'm done and ready to go. Yes, they will still be there.

But what about the ones who are hungry, poor, sick and dying now?

But then another thought stops me in my tracks.

What if when I am done with school and I can go pour out my life to set the the captives free and feed the hungry.... what if I just don't?

I'm not immune to the lure of comfort or the appeal of sin. I'm not. What if I am able to invite the poor over for dinner because it's my own home... but what if I choose not to? What if I get trapped in the mentality of needing to achieve, of needing to improve, of needing to climb this senseless social ladder? What if I believe the lies and forget what is truly eternal? What if I spend my energy, time, creativity on myself instead of pouring it out like a drink offering for God and for others?

Martha, Martha

Not even two posts ago I wrote about how we're addicted to hurry. How I was looking forward to a summer where I wasn't rushing off to my next activity. A summer in which I could sit and relax and take time to process life. I expected that I'd be blogging quite a bit to make sure that I externalized everything going on internally.

But that hasn't happened.

I've definitely had plenty of down time. I've had time to think, to process, to slow down. But somehow, they internal hasn't quite made it out to the external. I would have an extremely hard time articulating what I've been learning or how I've been growing or how I've been challenged.

So, I've avoided blogging. In the past, I've blogged when I've had exciting things going on. When I have stories to share. Prayer requests to spread. Life to tell. But this last week... I've had so much down time, that I feel as though I have nothing to share-- a mentality I know is false. And though I know it is false, I still have to pick my way through the lies to figure out what to share.

I've been able to spend time with Lucas almost every day so far, which has been wonderful. I've enjoyed being outdoors with him, being in Ottawa with him and eating dinners together. But when we aren't spending time together... I'm alone. Now, I knew this would be the case. I was preparing myself for this. I was ready for a summer where I would break my addiction to hurry. I had anticipated that I would begin to lose my mind.

I wouldn't go as far as to say that I've begin to lose my mind. But I may soon. No alarm wakes me; I spend my days translating, communicating with people online, going on runs/walks, grocery shopping cooking, letter writing (send me your address if you want to be pen pals!) and longer devo times. Not too shabby.

However, I find this profound desire in me to be doing something. To be learning something. To be serving someone. To be developing as an individual. I feel terribly stuck in the mundane. It hasn't been three days and I'm stuck in the mundane.

Obviously, I need time to sit in this season a bit longer. I restlessly browsed websites yesterday looking for places where I could volunteer. I told myself that I'd feel better if I was just doing something.

But that's the point. I can't just be doing things to be better, feel better. In my restlessness the last couple of days, I've heard Jesus' quiet voice beckoning me to walk away from my altar of service and turn to him. I hear him tell me, like Martha:

"My dear Viviana, there is really only one thing worth being concerned about."

Ah, if you think of me, pray that my soul would be quieted... that I'd be able to sit at the feet of Jesus and simply hear his voice.

Elevator Speech

I recently came back from a week-long retreat with InterVarsity up in Michigan. I had prepared an elevator speech for those who asked, but didn't have the time to really care how it went. I was ready to share my two-minute spiel. But I never took the time to think about those who might have the time to care... who might ask a couple of follow-up questions and who might want to know a little bit more than my rehearsed two-liner.

And so, I've struggled to put into words how CFW (Chapter Focus Week) was when I'm allowed to talk for a bit.

Surely they don't want me to go through my schedule, day by day, session by session. Should I trace what happened? Who I talked to? What stories would I tell? Just how vulnerable could I stand to get?

I figured I'd just get back and blog about it, but I've run into the same problem online. What do I write about? Who should I talk about?

Sooo... time will go on and people will no longer care about CFW, but I know that I'll have to keep processing the lessons I learned while I was there. With that said, I'll probably hop back on here throughout the summer with small posts about CFW-- a memorable story, a quote, a session I enjoyed.

But with that said, I'll leave you with my elevator speech:

"It was good! I definitely enjoyed it... I love retreats-- made me miss home. I was reminded of the importance and power of prayer and my vision and passion for college ministry was strengthened and refreshed."

Toodles! Until next time :)