The Hunger of Humanity

Belonging.

It's a natural desire... the desire to fit in, to put roots in. But I've found myself struggling with two conflicting... desires? fears? The desire to belong here... and then the fear of becoming American and losing Colombia. I'm not going to lie... its been hard. I feel like I'm moving forward and accepting living here, in America, and then I fear that I'm losing Colombia-- that I didn't love it enough. I know that this is a lie, but its one of those... comforting lies.

Life is starting to feel... normal. I feel like the foreigner less and less, yet I often find myself trying to prove that I'm still not from America. Why? I don't even know... its as if differentiating myself will set me apart in values, morals and world views. I guess, in a way it does. But that can't be enough. Instead of trying to show I'm "different" I should focus on living differently. Besides WHO am I trying to differentiate myself from? I've met incredibly passionate American Christians here who love God with everything they are and all that they have. I'm learning to see past the American stereotype... I'm learning to adjust my prejudices.

My mom visited a couple of weeks ago. It was a fabulous weekend. It was nice to simply talk to someone who KNOWS me. I didn't find myself having to "contextualize" my life for her. She didn't need an explanation for my choosing U of I... or for my English fluency... or my non-Colombian appearance. She didn't need to ask if I spoke Spanish. She didn't wonder how I could be friends with my teachers in high school. She wasn't curious as to what poverty looked like in Colombia. She knew me and could talk to me and listen to me with all that in mind. It was refreshing. I hadn't realized how exhausting "contextualizing" had become. Granted, now that I'm finishing my eighth week here at U of I, many people know these things already... but still, it isn't the same. I still feel like there's a huge part of me they'll never know unless they go to Colombia. And there's truth to that... they never will.

I've been looking for a church to get involved with. The one church I was hesitant to visit is now the one church I'm most considering attending. Funny how God works things out. Twin City Bible Church is a church on campus within walking distance. I ended up going on Sunday because I had no other ride to a different church. I loved the sermon. I met a family from Honduras. It was exciting. That Sunday they talked to all the new students about opportunities to get involved. I've been attending a book discussion and the youth pastor is already contacting me for ways of helping out with youth ministries there. Continue praying with me as I make the final decision.

My eyes have been opened to a whole new realm of ministry. A ministry in which my hands and knees don't get dirty. A ministry in which I have nothing of material value to give. A ministry that is often disregarded-- or at least, I have often disregarded it. This is the ministry of college students. The brokenness is overwhelming. God's changed my perspective. Everywhere I look, I see souls in need of Jesus. My senses are hyperactive trying to gauge where this person stands in relation to my Savior.

Yes, I miss the ministry to the poor that I was able to be a part of in Colombia. Yes, I get extremely homesick when I see pictures of "my kids" in various ministries back home. Yes, I wish there were homeless people around who I could buy meals for... but, I'm being broken down and amazed at the new ministry before me.

"Do you really believe that Jesus came to change the world? Tell me, do you actually believe that? Do you believe that is love is enough to conquer hatred and pain? Do you? Do you believe in the bread of life who came from heaven to feed the hunger of humanity? Tell me, do you believe that?"

Blurred Time.

"EIGHT FORTY-EIGHT?!" I sat up so abruptly that I startled Chrissy.
She gave me a knowing and somewhat sympathetic smile, "Did you have class?"

I did. I had class at 9:00. And it was a 10 minute walk... on a good day. I groaned and rolled over. I did not want to get into the habit of skipping class, but then again, sleeping in sounded close to heavenly. BUT I missed one class last week because I decided to take a nap, but forgot to change my alarm from AM to PM. I couldn't skip another class-- especially not one with eight people in it (seriously).

Tyler (my very responsible roommate) woke up and gave me a stern mom tone of voice, "Get up NOW. Run to your class. GO!"

I figured she was probably a lot wiser than I was. I climbed down from my bunk, put a different t-shirt on and decided that my basketball shorts would be just fine. With a granola bar in hand and my backpack thrown together, I ran out the door at 8:53.

I made it on time, but the bad news is that I missed a different class that same day. Wow. I really need to figure my schedule out.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Weeks are starting to blur now... I feel like they just roll in and through and then out again. Four weeks now... I guess I've realized-- or perhaps re-realized-- how adaptive we are as humans. This life feels normal now. I've created habits and routines. I've established patterns and I get used to walking past the same people day after day. I feel like I was just updating this blog, but then I realize... its been a week. Ahh, time.

I've embraced new "American habits," if you will. Bear with me.

- Chrissy introduced me to the TV show Pushing Daisies. However, they don't show it anymore, so she has access to both seasons. We started watching from season 1. My first experience was around 1 am, earphones plugged into her laptop, and desperate attempts to stifle giggles as Tyler dreamed on... So, yeah. With that said, I love the show. We've started watching and episode (or two) every night. Its become a bonding experience (ok, so maybe I'm justifying it a little bit). But in all honesty, we've opened the door and random girls have come and joined us.

- Ice cream. Oh, ice cream. Chrissy decided to stash ice cream in our freezer. I wish I was kidding, but right now-- as I type-- there are four pints of ice cream in our freezer. I'm pretty sure that there are four empty ones in the garbage as well. Wow. Who would have thought. I used to think I was a healthy eater. Perhaps not.

Yeah, I think my Americanization ends there =).

I'm still having issues with my bank. For those of you who don't know... I've had a series of complications ranging from an invalid pin to an invalid card, from my name misspelled to an illegible pin request. Basically, I'm sick of this bank... and I'm quickly getting wary of banks in general. I miss getting paid cash. Haha.

(I'm noticing how scattered this post is... sorry :] )

Cru Fall Getaway is coming up at the beginning of October. I'm excited to get away and get to know more people. From what I understand, a couple of hundred people will be going. I'm excitedd :)

Cru has something called Community Groups (CG) on Thursday nights. It's a time to meet in a smaller setting (guys and girls). After a short time of fellowship, we break off into smaller groups and have a Bible study.

Friday night was quite fun. Tyler and I were going to go to a concert that I had seen ads up for. However, when we got there we realized that I had been wrong... and the concert was for Saturday night. Sigh. Instead, we went roller skating

Oh, and of course... my mom's coming to visit next weekend. Woot, woot. It'll be fun showing her around... maybe go ice skating or to a football game or something. We'll see :)

 

Your Grace is Enough

A man goes on the beach and sees that it is covered with starfish that have washed up in the tide. A little boy is walking along, picking them up and throwing them back into the water.
"What are you doing, son?" the man asks. "You see how many starfish there are? You'll never make a difference."
The boy paused thoughtfully, and picked up another starfish and threw it into the ocean.
"It sure made a difference to that one," he said.
- Hawaiian Proverb

Ahh, what a great week. It truly has been fantastic. God is good, God is moving and God is so real.

It really is easy to get depressed or burdened after hearing so many horrifying facts about the brokenness of this world. My international health class gives me plenty of reasons to cry out to God and shake a demanding fist in his face. I've learned too many facts and numbers about the cursed world we live in... a world cursed because of sin.

Did you know that one woman EVERY MINUTE dies during childbirth? Several more are severely injured.
Did you know that Colombia is second only to Sudan in number of displaced refugees due to violence?
Did you know that if you sleep in a bed, keep your food in a fridge and have a roof over your head, then you are in the richest SEVENTY FIVE PERCENT of the world's population?

Yet, this cursed world has a Savior. He has a living, moving, tangible body... his church. And its beautiful and breath-takingingly amazing to be part of it...

Really, I have nothing to say about my classes or the mundane aspects of college this week. I'm just completely overwhelmed by God's grace. His grace is such an incredible aspect-- an idea that has the power to transform lives. He's really been pushing me to new understanding of grace, and truly and honestly, this new understanding has changed my perspective on who God is and what he expects us to be and how he empowers us to do so.

On Sunday I had this fantastic conversation with a girl named Allison who lives on my floor and is also one of my Bible study leaders. We talked about everything and anything. She showed me this one quote about grace... Dietrich Bonhoeffer in The Cost of Discipleship compares two different kinds of grace: cheap grace and costly grace. Its so great that I'm going to share it with you...

That is what we mean by cheap grace, the grace which amounts to the justification of the sin without the justification of the sinner who departs from sin which and from whom sin departs. Cheap grace is not the kind of forgiveness of sin which frees us from the toils of sin. Cheap grace is the grace we bestow on ourselves. [...]

Costly grace is the gospel which must be sought again and again, the gift which must be asked for, the door at which a man must knock.

Such grace is costly because it calls us to follow, and it is grace because it calls us to follow Jesus Christ. It is costly because it costs a man his life, and it is grace because it gives a man the only true life. It is costly because it condemns sin, and grace because it justifies the sinner. Above all, it is costly because it cost God the life of his Son: 'ye were bought at a price,' and what has cost God much cannot be cheap for us. Above all, it is grace because God did not reckon his Son too dear a price to pay for our life, but delivered him up for us. Costly grace is the Incarnation of God.

Ahhh... grace. The infinite character of God. Too complex for us to ever understand, but near enough to transform us.

And now, for a story-time break ('cause I'm always full of those...)

"Does anyone have a shorter or tighter dress?" she chirped up. My mind started racing as I tried to process what she just said. Yes, I had understood correctly. Before I knew it, I opened my mouth and one single word came out: "Why?" She looked at me and looked at her friend who was definitely more scantily-clad than she was... "I just want to look... sexy." I closed my eyes and prayed that inability to hide what I was thinking would not be evident. I hoped that I could actually keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. I assured her that she looked beautiful (she did).

"That's just it! I always look cute, or beautiful... but I want to look... sexy."

I tried to reason with her, letting her know that she looked stunning and fabulous. It wasn't working. Her shoulders dropped more and more. My heart broke for her. I just wanted to reach out and hug her...

"Hon, you look sexy," Chrissy stepped in. With that, she smiled turned around and went off for a night of partying.

Week Two...

"And if the old ones tell you to... then that means you have to." She lifted the shot of whisky and winked. Everyone else laughed… could I sense some uneasy giggles? I sighed and began anticipating the rugby’s team response to my polite decline to their not-so-optional offer of alcohol. Sure enough, the girl came over and handed me a shot, but I didn’t take it.
“No, thanks.” Smile.
No smile returned. “You kind of have to.”
“No thank you. I don’t drink.”
“If the alumni say so, then you have to… but I’ll let it slide this time.”

Oh, brother. Here we go… College life had to come some time… and so it came: my second Saturday on campus. Oh, and did I mention that I woke up the next morning to a constant rattling at 7:00 am? No, I didn’t. Did I mention that the cause of this rattling was a naked girl? Nope, that must have slipped me by as well… Ok, let me explain…
Sunday morning I was planning on waking up at 8:30. Instead, I woke up to incessant rattling on our doorknob at 7:00. I tried ignoring it until 7:30 (yup, it was still going), but I finally got up. Right before I decided to get up, Tyler mumbled something about a naked girl. I was really confused, but I’m not sure what I was expecting. I peeked through the peep hole, but couldn’t see anything… or anyone—yet our doorknob kept turning as if someone were trying to get in… desperately. Odd.
I unlocked the door and slowly turned the doorknob. Keep in mind that I had just woken up and my cognitive abilities at this point were near zero. Crammed into the corner of the hall was a naked girl. I just stared. No words. Just eye contact. She mumbled something about the wrong room and then looked away awkwardly. I nodded and closed the door. Then I had to pee. She was still there and then she followed me to the bathroom. I went back to my room and got her some clothing, but when I went back into the hallway, she was gone.
And that’s that.

Week two of college completed. And guess what? I love it… every aspect about it—save one: I miss Colombia… a lot. But anyway… that’s another topic for another day, or maybe another paragraph later on in this same post.
I visited a different church this last week and it was really good. I liked a lot and am seriously considering getting involved there. It’s called Redeemer Gospel Church and is a small, new church plant. The community was really welcoming and though small, inter-generational. I enjoyed the sermon and the fellowship. So we’ll see what I end up deciding.
Week two of classes was definitely harder than week one. We all of a sudden had reading assignments due and papers began piling up. I felt that I suddenly had no time for anything… I would read and read… oh and read some more… and still be behind. Odd feeling, since I’ve never experienced this before. Everyone told me that college was reading and I believed them, but it’s differently EXPERIENCING that as opposed to KNOWING that. Also, as everyone also let me know, my peers were at my academic level or higher… usually higher. Classes suddenly seemed more challenging, not necessarily because of my professors, but because of my peers.
I’ll be starting two jobs this month. In the first, I’ll be a soccer ref. Surprising? Yes, most definitely. But hey, it pays well and its really nice hours. Oh, and the only pre-requisite was having played soccer in high school—which I did… sporadically. Anyway, I’ve been hired and my training starts Tuesday and my first game is on Saturday, Sept 11. Thankfully, I’ll be reffing for first graders. Haha. My other job, definitely the primary one, is working as a tutor for America Reads/America Counts. I’ll be working in an elementary or middle school in the area with kids who need extra help. I’m so excited that this is my JOB. I won’t have to work in the dining hall or anything like that… I get to TEACH and do SPORTS. Ah, God is good.
This week was really encouraging, though exhausting. I’ve had extremely significant conversations with Chrissy and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed them. We discussed reality and our perception of it. We discussed humans, their souls and our similarities/differences with animals. We explored the meaning of life and its seeming lack of purpose. She asked me the source of my joy. And even as I write this… several days later, I smile and shiver slightly with goose bumps running down my arms. God is moving :).

Prayer Requests:
1) Energy. I already feel tired… constantly. Now, if you know me at all, then this isn’t a new problem for me. I’m trying to figure out my sleeping schedule, and needless to say, it’s been difficult. But even after naps, I feel drained. Pray that I can find my strength and rest in His presence every morning.
2) Wisdom. I’ve been processing a lot of things recently, and I am struggling to find God’s perspective in some issues. Pray as I work through these with God. I want him to be my guide and I want to hear his still, quiet voice.
3) Joy. I’ve experienced sudden and intense flashes of homesickness this last week. It’s odd because for the first time, going home won’t fix the homesickness—everything will be different. I know that I need to let go and live my current life (which I LOVE), but it’s been hard accepting that it’s… over.
4) Balance. Once again, if you know me, then you knew this was coming. Pray that I would have the necessary wisdom to balance my life. I want to be involved in a Christian ministry but I also want to be involved with a group of non Christians. I want to do well in school, but I want to experience the social life too. It’s a tricky balance.
5) Continue praying for Chrissy and Tyler. I love them :)