The Ocean of His Grace

"Nothing whatever pertaining to godliness and real holiness can be accomplished without grace." -Augustine

Grace... I've heard about it my entire life. I could give you several definitions and acronyms attempting to capture what exactly grace is. We're told we're saved by grace, sanctified through grace and even allowed admittance into heaven through grace. Grace is the gasoline to the Christian life.

Yet, why do I stray from it so quickly? Why do I abandon a critical part of my faith so easily?

Though people often tend to stray towards the libertarianism perspective on grace-- using it as a license to sin-- I've recently found myself disregarding it. Choosing to live in legalism instead of freedom.

Why?

I know I'm saved by and through grace. What makes me think I'm made righteous through my own efforts? Really, I don't know... Is it pride? Do I want to "pay back" Christ for what he has done through my hard and selfless efforts? Is it comfort? Are rules simply easier-- less messy-- to keep than living by grace? Is it shame? I can't accept Christ's grace without feeling unmistakable shame? Is it my untiring drive to be busy? Christ offered me grace because of my depravity and not surprisingly, I find my own depravity trying to get rid of it... to erase my need for grace. I revert to my tendency to DO, to ACCOMPLISH, to COMPLETE. Yet, this mentality has no place in Christianity. Other religions focus on what we must do and Christ focuses on what has been done already.

In the last five months, God has been shattering my previous perspective on grace. He's broken down misconceived notions on what grace is and what it does for me. In the process of breaking that perspective, I cling to rules or guidelines or boundaries... to keep me from needing grace? When his grace was no longer something I solely needed at the moment of conversion, I found myself in the murky waters of my deceitful heart, my passionate desires, his unfailing love, his unfathomable grace and his undeniable call for holiness. Murky waters, indeed.

This summer God really opened my eyes to how much I need his grace now. It wasn't a one time deal; its a long journey in which I need to constantly walk hand in hand with him, gathering all my strength from his grace. Since August, I've become painfully aware of areas in my life in which I'm not living in his grace... areas in which I don't fully believe that his grace is sufficient.

My grace is sufficient for you.

If you know me at all, you've probably heard me quote this verse dozens of times when referring to my headaches. I've kind of claimed this verse for my life in that area. God has chosen not to heal me right now and so I've learned that his grace can be sufficient-- I don't need healing to live glorifying him through this physical weakness.

But the funny thing about Christianity is that God isn't concerned about transforming ONE area of my life... he wants all of it. My sinful parts, my beautiful parts, my broken parts, my healed parts. He wants them all.

Sigh. My sinful parts. My broken parts.

Flannery O'Conner once said, "The way to avoid Jesus is to avoid sin." Whaat? Yeah... read it again. No... its not a typo. Why do I think that if I can just get "good enough" I can avoid crawling to Jesus, broken because of my sin? I tried to make Jesus' sacrifice obsolete by "improving" myself enough to not need rescuing. Why do I revert to moralism?

Oh, good Jesus, why?

This last year I had fallen into a vicious cycle of moralism. I would "mess up" and in my desperate desire to make things right, I'd scramble together some sort of commitment or a new set of rules to ensure myself from slipping once again. Instead of turning to Jesus... coming back-- or more like crawling back-- to the cross... I'd come up with a list of new things to do. They tended to start with "resolved" and ended with "ever again." Ah, epic fail. I was fighting battles of the flesh with the flesh. That doesn't work so well...

In my futile attempt to keep from sinning (I'm not even sure if that's the correct word to use... maybe "being stupid" works better) , I began to avoid Jesus-- I failed to recognize my desperate need for him.

Ah, what a tragedy.

I figured I had moved past the Gospel. Been there, done that. Yet... I can never move past the Gospel. It is the heartbeat, the pulse, the lifeline, the gasoline... it is everything.

And now... now I'm repenting at a whole different level than simply what I did... the repentance that flows from the deepest waters of my heart... waters that were strong enough to break down moralism. I've fallen from my place of instituting more rules to "protect me"... and learning how to swim in the ocean of his grace.

The Not-so-sweet Victory

"Who are we?"

"B-E!"

"What do we do?"

"DESTROY!"

For the last couple of weeks, I've been playing flag football with the girls in my dorm. We've been practicing for the annual flag football game against LAR-- the other all-girls dorm on campus. From the beginning I've been amused by the competitiveness the coaches (two RAs) exuded. I mostly was there because I miss playing sports and because, I must admit, I want to learn to understand football. Oh, the fabulous thing about flag football is that I've now met several girls in my dorm who LOVE basketball. Bonus =].

So, I've begun to learn a little more about football. I think I understand downs. I'm positive I know what a touch down is. I'm still confused about knowing what side you're on and who gets the ball when... but hey, its an improvement.

Yesterday was our game. We looked fierce with torn-up black shirts and red handprints on our faces. I was really excited, though I was still nervous about actually playing football, since I don't think I've ever watched an entire game.

When we got to the field LAR instantly began doing cheers about how they were the best and how they were going to destroy us. I thought it was a joke and was quite amused. We began warming up and practicing a bit, and I could tell that the girls on my team were ready to actually destroy someone. Before the game started we cheered nice and loudly the words at the beginning of this post. I actually felt a little bit uncomfortable, but I let it slide.

The game started and we had possession first. I played defense so I watched uneasily from the sidelines. After a touchdown (yeah, we scored right away =]) it was my turn to get on the field. We kept pulling the flags off the girls RIGHT AFTER they had passed 10 yards, so unfortunately, they eventually got a touch-down. This won't come to a surprise to any of you, but I realized how difficult it is to pull flags off without falling. Hahaha. Actually though, I got beat up (but yes, I got some flags =]).

During this part of the game, the other team's coach (an RA from LAR) and our coach got into an argument. They were yelling and when they finally stopped, tension was thick in the air. I, of course, was uncomfortable. The game continued and the tension continued to thicken between the two teams. Everyone was rude to each other. Competitiveness was no longer fun. My team looked for ways to make their belt hard to pull off. The other team gave us dirty looks (I'm sure they were returned).

We ended up winning, which was exciting... but for me, victory didn't taste that sweet. I didn't enjoy how rude our team had been. I hated feeling like we had walked over the other team. I hated our victory chants after winning. I mostly stayed silent. I didn't want to rub our win in their faces... yet thats all my team wanted to do. I guess, I'm going through another form of culture shock? At ECA I really learned how to play with good sportsmanship. I considered myself competitive, yet now, I'm not sure that's a good adjective for me. I would rather lose than win and be rude to the other team. I would rather lose than cheat to get there.

God's Embrace

Loneliness is God's cry for intimacy with us.

Maybe so, but that doesn't make loneliness any easier to deal with. I'm in that awkward stage of relationships where I have plenty of acquaintances, but not enough friends. There are plenty of girls I can have fun with, but I don't the the depth I so intensely desire. And then there are those who I only have deep conversations with, yet having fun seems to be an issue. Thankfully, Chrissy and Tyler are truly friends. I'm able to laugh and be silly with them and I'm also able to get down and talk about difficult things. They really are a blessing in my life. 

I was on Cru's Fall Getaway this weekend.

Anyway, Fall Getaway... we had a fantastic speaker who reminded us of the Gospel. It was challenging and convicting. I had plenty of things to think about with God. Grace was beautiful once again. And yet, I didn't enjoy Fall Getaway. I was lonely. I was surrounded by people, I was even with some people I knew. I didn't really meet any new people. I wasn't refreshed by challenging conversations. I left without feeling the "community" that I was searching for.

Time. These things take time. Relationships have generally been one of my strengths; making friends isn't generally difficult. I forget that these things take time. I've begun to impatiently tap my foot and silently wonder, "Why is this taking so long, God?"

This loneliness has also made me realize how much I love my guy friendships elsewhere. I must say, I haven't made any guy friends here yet. Again, plenty of acquaintances, yet no friends. I wonder how long it will take for me to have friends who make fun of me, who challenge me to dumb competitions, who listen to me, who make me laugh... who are like brothers. If you're one those guys in my life... thank you. Know that I miss you terribly.

A hurting heart is hard to take to God. Why? I'm not sure. But its hard. And yet, I've had to push past the difficulty and lay it at his feet again and again. When I'm craving deep friendships, and hugs and fellowship, I can ask God to fill that desire with himself-- with his presence.

Last night was quite difficult. As I cried and talked to one of my friends, he said something...

"Viv, I wish I could hug you right now. But let God hug you. His hug is enough."