When words fail...

They sat sobbing on the steps of Greg Hall. My heart swelled with compassion-- just not enough to stop. Besides, I was already late to Arabic class. My mind swam with questions wondering why these two girls were so broken... why were they crying? My pace slowed until I couldn't bring myself to put one leg in front of the other. I had to go back.

I had to.

And do what? I wasn't sure... they probably wouldn't want to talk, I tried to convince myself to just keep going. But I couldn't. Before I knew it, I was walking away from Arabic class toward these two girls. I came up to them and simply asked, "Hi guys. Is there anything I can do for you? Can I help in anyway?" They shook their heads and burst into a new set of tears.

I set my backpack down and sat on the steps with them. The tears flowed from a pained heart-- a raw heart.

"Our friend from home just died... brain damage... car accident..."

I sucked in a breath and placed my hand on her back. At my touch, a fresh round of tears erupted. I sat with them... mostly in quiet... at times responding to their comments. Not sure how long it was... could have been minutes, could have been a quarter of an hour, they stood up and said they were going to head back home.

In between sobs they thanked me and turned to leave.

My heart twisted inside. I wish I could have done something... they were on my heart all day and I couldn't get them out of my mind.

I turned and headed toward Arabic class.

Hugging Students?

"What's your name," she loudly whispered across the carpet. I smiled, "Miss Viviana. Pay attention to Miss Lowe!" I was attempting to help maintain order during second grade library time with Miss Lowe. It generally doesn't go so well. Today wasn't an exception to the norm. I sat on a corner of the library rug and had three girls leaning against me. I wasn't sure if Miss Lowe was okay with them leaning on me, but I figured if they were quiet, she wouldn't mind too much.

Meanwhile, other kids were crawling around, giggling, yelling and jumping up and down. I couldn't wrap my head around the chaos. Why did it always feel so chaotic during library time?

I found myself calling kids names and putting my finger to my lips constantly. Those who sat around me quieted down fairly quickly, but it was hard to keep them sitting still. They usually got bored of the book or the lesson and would stand up and start jumping around.

As the young girls leaned on me, it occurred to me that they weren't so different from my precious Recycler's kids in Colombia. Here at Booker T. Washington, 93% of the kids live below the poverty level. Virtually all of them have free lunches and most have free breakfasts as well. One girl was showing off her "new" shoes to me... given to her by a ministry that gives clothes away to impoverished families. The way the girls leaned into me and rubbed my legs, I knew that they craved that healthy physical touch as well. Many lack affection and don't have stable homes to come home to every day.

I just wanted to pick them all up and give them huge hugs. Several of them tried climbing into my lap, but I was slightly uneasy... I figured that here, in the USA, in a school... I wouldn't be allowed to hug and hold kids in my lap.

However, later, one girl ended up bawling and she ran out of the library. I followed her and found her crumpled on the floor. I said her name and gently told her to come toward me. She came near and when she felt my arms were willing to hug her, she released and sobbed into my lap. I just held her and tried figuring out the "right" way to handle this. Eventually we talked through it and figured out what was going on and she was able to rejoin the group.

I love my kids so much and I just want to give them all hugs. I want to play games with them. I want to color with them and cuddle them when they cry. I want to let them play with my hair and I want to help them understand their math homework. Gah. I really love them, but I'm trying to figure out how to connect with them at a deeper level within a school setting.

"Should I not be concerned about this great city?"

[[Thoughts and reflections about today's sermon]]




Perhaps Jonah chapter 4 is one of the weirdest chapters in the Bible. Here we have Jonah, a prophet, angry because God relented and turned his wrath away and was gracious and compassionate. And then, when God allows a big leafy plant to grow up and provide Jonah with shade, and then just as quickly, withers the plant, Jonah is furious. And this whole time God was just trying to get Jonah to be concerned about 120,000 "Ninevites" living in spiritual darkness. I can almost picture God saying, "JONAH!!!! I'm trying to show you my desperate concern for these people who are so lost... and what are you concerned about?"

Ahhh... aren't we like Jonah too often? Hopefully we aren't ANGRY when God is merciful, but its way too easy to get caught up with this inward focus and with our concerns and our comforts and our wants and our desires and our "needs" and meanwhile, God is inviting us to join him. He wants us to be concerned about the lost around us... to love them... to be burdened for them.

I love this sooo much. It really is so convicting. What am I concerned about and distracted with while God is jumping up and down, waving, trying to get my attention and capture my heart to transform it into one that reflects his for the lost? And what about your great city? My great city? The great city where God has placed you... what of that city? Where is your heart?

What if God were trying to tell us of his desperate concern for the lost and then turned and asked us, "What have you been concerned about?

Maybe God was just as concerned about saving Ninevah as he was determined to rescue Jonah from his own selfishness. Maybe the 120,000 people in Ninevah were a way of getting Jonah to see God's heart. And that, that... is just so encouraging to me. God isn't simply in the business of saving souls "out there," but he's also so interested in transforming lives "in here"... in the Church. And I simply love that.

The Bellybutton of September

Half-way through September already. SOOOO crazy!! I thought it might be a good time to give a practical update on my life here in Illinois.

I'm still living with the same two roommates from last year (Chrissy and Tyler) and I love them SO, so much. We still have tons of fun together, but interestingly enough, spend less time together this year. It seems that we have fallen into our own schedules, our own rhythms and have our own friends so we just move in and around each other more than interacting WITH one another. Its kinda sad. We're still living in the same room. Me, the restless one, who kind of always needs change... here I am... same roommates and same room. Who would have thought :)

I'm taking 17 credits at the moment. My classes are the following:

1. Arabic- I have a new teacher. I believe he's from Morocco because his accent is a lot harder to understand. I still enjoy class, but I miss my dear old teacher, Ola, a lot!
2. Sociocultural Anthropology- A Global Studies requirement, but quite interesting. We have lecture in this big lecture room and the professor isn't the most interesting, but my TA is really fascinating so she redeems the class every Friday. I've enjoyed anthropology tons.
3. The World Food Economy- Here we talk about food and how it fits into the global economy. We talk about food shortages, famines and food supply. I have realized that my high school economics class didn't cover enough material, because I find myself lacking most of the economic terms used in the class... but nonetheless, I enjoy this class a lot.
4. Narco-Narratives and Drug Economies- This literature class is probably my favorite this year. My teacher is married to a Colombian and enjoys comparing different works of literature. We have been looking at books written by people heavily involved in the drug trade (cocaine, mostly) and then will move on to look at stuff written by consumers and other people involved. I really enjoy our discussions.
5. Latin America to Independence- This gen ed reminds me why I hate gen eds. Our professor is not very interesting. The text book is not very interesting, and because it is 100 level class, no one cares. I was excited about the class, but day 1 changed that for me.
6. Modern Dance- Yes, I'm taking a dance class again. I love it this semester. Our teacher is fabulous. I really enjoy it a lot :) Its so much fun and its really relaxing!! I love spending this time with Chrissy twice a week as well.

I'm leading an InterVarsity small group here in Busey-Evans. We've had between 5 and 10 girls each time and have had really great discussions. I really enjoy this inductive Bible study method. Please pray for this ministry in specific.

I currently have two jobs. I still tutor at an elementary school in Champaign. I get to work with kids in smaller settings and help them catch up on things they didn't understand in class. I have been working with first graders most, and I LOVE THEM. They're so cute. I also read library books with the kids. I love this job.

My second job is really interesting and really different. I work for Mark Frobose Enterprises. Its a company similar to Rosetta Stone, but much smaller. Basically, we sit and record Spanish lessons for those interested in speaking Spanish. Its a lot of fun and a different experience. Soooo... if you wanna learn some Spanish, be sure to get a copy of Mark Frobose's Spanish lessons and you'll here me on one of the CDs :)

In addition to this I'm working with the junior high girls at Twin City Bible Church (TCBC). I'm still not sure if I'll be helping out in Sunday School or Bible Study, but I definitely hope to be involved with them.

Thanks for your prayers and support!!

Also... I've been craving some handwritten letters recently, so if you're that letter kind of person, I would LOVE hearing from you =) And I promise I'll write back! Let me know if you need my address =)

your waves and surging tides sweep over me

I've struggled to know what to post on this blog about college life... my only updates since leaving Colombia have been, well... when I was in Panama. I'm going to resist the urge to make this post highly informative, but not very deep at all. Perhaps I'll write another post some other time detailing my classes and the what's going on... but I guess this post will be the other stuff... the stuff you can't simply see.

The truth is, I'm tired.

I'm really tired.

The last weeks in Colombia were really tiring as I spent every other day at someone's house in an attempt to spend time with everyone. And of course, goodbyes are draining. From Colombia, welcome week at U of I began... and was that ever tiring! Welcoming the incoming freshman took a lot more energy than I was expecting. The first four days weren't too bad because classes hadn't started yet, but nonetheless, it was give, give, give... and I was beginning to feel depleted. Classes started and the feeling of hectic-ness that seems a little too present in my life returned. And then I was off to Panama (read about that in previous posts). Not even 20 hours after arriving from Panama, I was on my way to Memphis, TN to visit some GREAT friends. It was wonderful seeing the Pinedas, Sierra and Matt again :).

And now, I've been back in Champaign-Urbana for a week. A week in Panama put me a week behind classes. And now I feel months behind in sleep.

A couple of days ago I walked into my friend Karissa's room and when asked how I was doing replied, "I'm okay. I'm tired... too tired and soon, that's going to open the door for a lot of discouragement."

And then came the discouragement.

I've been so overwhelmed by the emptiness and brokenness surrounding me. My heart feels heavy for those around me. I feel powerless to make any real difference. And quite frankly, half the time, I simply feel out of place. I wonder why I'm in America when my heart so strongly desires to live with and serve the poor around the world. Though God has enlarged my heart and is giving me his heart and showing me how to love America, I still feel like I don't belong in this world more times than not. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of friends who are seeking God and how little time I have. I'm not sure how else to spend time with people... and I know that the weariness has already settled in.

I was reading Psalm 42 today and I'll just quote verses and some of the thoughts that followed...

As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God.
I feel so thirsty... so desirous of God to quench this thirst... to give me rest. I want more encounters with this God-- the living God.

My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be: I walked among the crowds of worshipers, leading a great procession to the house of God, singing for joy and giving thanks amid the sound of a great celebration!
ECA feels worlds away... when I walked among crowds of worshipers... when this kind of fellowship was so welcoming and so encouraging and so refreshing. Worlds away.

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! [...] Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you-- [...] I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. But each day the LORD pours out his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.
Ah, praise Jesus. I loved this part. Sooo good :)

Prayer changes things. Pray for me. Pray for those around me. Pray for strength. Pray for rest. Pray for joy. Pray for hope.

Thanks for all your prayers and support :)

Panama: A Father to the Fatherless

“And life is more beautiful now that I’m with You,” their voices filled the barren basement room, “You’ve filled my soul and fixed my heart.” The voices of 50 young orphan girls singing these words brought tears to most everyone’s eyes. There was no music, but none was needed. As the song ended, their soft crying could be heard once again. Some of the girls clung to each other, attempting to hug the pain away.

Before they sang this song, we had wheeled Nick into a basement room and they were all lined up against the wall. He spoke words of love… of encouragement. He assured them that God was their Father, even though they had no earthly father. He promised them that God was their comforter… that God was their healer. He paused and took his time looking at each of them, “I love you, but more importantly GOD loves you.” At this, sobs ruptured around the room. My heart broke imagining the experiences they had lived through for the words “I love you” to elicit such a reaction.

Then… then, they sang for us. They sang for God. They sang of comfort and joy. Of hope. Of love. They sang loudly and they sang beautifully. Tears blurred my vision more than once.

“I’d like to hug you… all of you. I don’t care how long it takes. I want to cry with you. I want to pray with you. So, if its okay with the staff, I’d like each one of you to come up, one by one… take your time hugging me,” Nick said after the beautiful song.

And so they came. One by one. Some in their later teen years, others barely ten. One by one. Some sobbing with such pain, I had to look away. Others, with simple, detached hugs. I’m not sure which was more painful to watch. And though they were the ones with arms, Nick definitely held them. His love embraced and comforted them so clearly.

You really don’t need arms and legs to love God and to love one another. 

Panama: 800 Photos

“If you think that I would be ANY happier with arms and legs, then you’re wrong… To God be the glory because he didn’t give me arms and legs so that I could be here today, so that one of you may come to know Him,” Nick declared. A bold statement to say the least. Extreme. Unnerving. One look at his eyes let me know that he was dead serious. He couldn’t be any happier and he did praise God for giving him the chance to share the Gospel—without arms and legs.

We were sitting in a nice room in a fancy hotel with about 300 individuals from Panama’s upper class. We hoped to influence the influencers. And did God ever influence. Tears streamed down faces. “Amens” resounded around the room. Sporadic applause. Nick captivated the audience.

At the end, he stood on a platform and asked everyone to form a line. He would hug everyone and take a picture with whoever wanted one. My analytical side immediately began thinking about how the best way to do this was. We soon had a system set up where people would hand me the camera, I’d snap the shot, and they’d be on their way out the other side. It worked fairly well. I’ve never taken so many pictures. I’ve never used so many BlackBerrys. I couldn’t imagine being in Nick’s place. That morning my mom and I had decided to count the number of pictures he took that day. By 10 am we had passed 200. I lost track at 350 while I was taking pictures. Really, I wouldn’t be surprised if by the end of the day it was close to 800 photos.

After Nick was pictured-out we headed upstairs for him to meet the Colombian ambassador to Panama. She passionately encouraged him. She really enjoyed his talk. He signed some books for her and then she went and talked to my parents, saying that she wanted to partner and help plan and promote Nick’s future events in South America. Wow!!

I headed back down to the lunchroom and grabbed some food. I sat down with my mom and sighed. Phew. What a LONG day. We had toured the Panama Canal from a navy helicopter that morning, landed at a naval base where Nick spoke to the soldiers there. We then arrived at the presidential palace where we were expecting to meet the president, but didn’t. Instead, we received a private tour and then Nick was surprised with a room of 500 prominent leaders waiting for him to talk. Of course, he did. From there we went straight to the upper class event. And that night was the event in the baseball stadium.

I checked my watch. 3:30 pm. Ah, late lunches... oh well :). About this time a lady approached my mom and me and introduced herself as Misty. She sat down and we began talking. She’s a missionary in Panama and works with orphans. Her husband and her just adopted a five-year old boy, Peter, who is HIV positive. They feel that God has been laying it on their hearts to open a special needs orphanage and they hope to start that project in the near future. Somewhere in our conversation we found out that she was bringing 50 orphans to the stadium that night. How exciting!

On our way to the stadium, I let Nick know that they were going to be there and he said he wanted to meet them all after the event. Ah, I love Nick =). We got to the stadium and though it wasn’t full, there were still thousands of people there. A band made up of police officers sang salsa songs and then a couple of other singers presented some songs. Then when Nick got on stage, the Panamanian soccer team came up and gave him an autographed soccer ball, a soccer jersey with his name and an ID card as an honorary member. Cool :).

He preached boldly and the Holy Spirit was definitely moving. He spoke against church division and greed. He challenged people to truly love others. When he had the altar call, 80% of the people stood up. He patiently asked them to sit down and explained that this was for people who were making a first-time decision to follow Christ. This wasn’t a recommitment or anything else… it was for those who had never decided to follow Christ before. Then he asked those to stand. Again, 80% of the stadium stood. Hallelujah!! Church members went through the crowds collecting information to do follow-ups once Nick left. What a rich harvest of souls :).

Thank you so much for your prayers. This trip wouldn’t have been the same without your support from wherever all of you are. I still have one post to write… about Nick meeting the orphan girls after the stadium event, but I’m still trying to put the beauty of it all into words!