But it wasn't a day or two... I was at three or four... or five.
Or six.
As I tried to figure out why I had been feeling like a fish out of water for the past week, it dawned on me that it wasn't the traveling. I've traveled enough in my life to know that most kinds of traveling doesn't faze me. In fact, I love to travel. The fact that I had been in California for less then 36 hours wasn't what had affected me.
I realized that in the short span of 64 hours, I had been in certain situations, seeing certain people that represented certain seasons or worlds in my life... too many seasons and too many worlds in too short of a time span. My heart was not catching up to my body. Indeed, it felt like my body was simply the mode of transporting my heart and mind around... slightly like a strange out-of-body experience. Beginning on Friday night and ending on Monday morning, I had effectively stepped into seven of my oh-so-complex worlds.
1) When my grandparents picked me up in Champaign I was able to easily transition into my "family-mode..." I was able to pick up where I left off with them and talk and laugh and just slide into that comfort zone they provide. It was so great being with them, and I suppose I've never considered this time with them a "world," but it totally it is. Sitting in their home and eating my grandma's delicious food encapsulates entire weeks and even summers I spent in the United States. Because at the end of the day, if I have a home in America, it's where they are.
2) Traveling alone always puts me into a strange mood. Not a bad mood, by any means... just a strange mood. I shift into my very independent, self-sufficient mindset and I become hyper-aware of my surroundings. This traveling alone "world" holds many, many hours in airports, sitting in comfortable chairs, sleeping while holding luggage, extended devotions, exploring terminals, meeting strangers and refusing to buy food because I'm so cheap. It represents so many trips to so many places, so many goodbyes and so many new arrivals.
3) I was picked up at LAX by an old family friend. Her family has faithfully supported mine in ministry throughout the years, and instantly I was thrown back in time to the years when my family would spend summers road-tripping across America visiting supporters. I instantly connected with Mrs. R and we chatted as if we had been lifelong friends, catching up on life. I was overwhelmed by their hospitality and their willingness to love me and make sure I was comfortable. I walked into their house and my mind took a stroll down memory lane. I hadn't been in this home since I was probably seven or eight. Last time I was with my whole family. I remember spending long nights with my brother on air mattresses giggling until odd hours of the morning. I remembered long car drives for weeks at a time and having dinner in a different person's house each night, sleeping in a different bed and living out of a suitcase for way too long. I remembered many, many "let's visit supporter" trips and this time I was alone.
4) Sunday afternoon Mrs. R dropped me off at Ems' house outside of LA. I hadn't seen Ems since we were in Colombia together over Christmas break and I've never been with Ems outside of Colombia. So, though we were in LA, things strangely felt like Colombia. Our conversations were flooded with people from Colombia, places in Colombia, memories from Colombia... Our humor felt Colombian and we frequently switched into Spanish to better express words that just make more sense in Spanish, cierto?
At the wedding there were plenty of Spanish speakers because Kanae is half Mexican, so there were Latins EVERYWHERE! During the reception, a mariachi band came and all of Kanae's relatives began dancing. I couldn't help laughing and smiling all along. Later on, merengue music came on and Ems and I danced, spinning, and twirling... and I felt a deep longing for home. I felt that if I closed me eyes long enough, I may wake up in Colombia after this wonderful reception.
5) At the wedding, Ems and I had very little interaction with too many people beside ourselves. However, I did get to see Bryan who was Nick's caretaker on both of Nick's trips to Colombia. We had a very short conversation, but instantly were back to the way we used to joke when we'd be back stage during the tours in Colombia. Even simply seeing Nick threw me back into a strange place of intense ministry days. I remembered our long days during the tours and the rushed schedules and the great conversations and seeing God move in big ways. And though translating with Nick wasn't the same as my other ministries... I still ended up having part of my heart wander there on Sunday. I remembered translating for teams from Canada that were going to orphanages and my beloved Recyclers... and then I just was in that "world" for a bit.
6) Upon landing at O'Hare on Monday morning, I was picked up by my lovely friend Taylor. I hadn't seen her for months... too many months ago. Her beautiful smile and warm heart were so welcoming and I was instantly reminded why we had clicked and become such good friends five years (gasp! five years?!) ago... her compassionate heart and silly chuckles were such a great encouragement! And being with Taylor placed me back in the world where I met her... Wheaton. Those six months when my family did furlough freshman year of high school were a big part of my life. And Taylor was one of my best friends while I was there. She supported me and befriended me, though she knew I was going to leave six months later. I loved seeing her, but I wish I could have given her a "better" me... 'cause she was getting a five-hours-of-airplane-sleep-Vivi. Whoops.
Anyway, it was so great to be with her... I always love sharing moments with her again-- even if they're just brief moments every couple of months. I am amazed that we're still friends, seeing that I'm not really friends with anyone else from that season in life anymore. I still love and appreciate them for what they meant then, but I haven't seen or kept in touch with any of them, but Taylor. And I'm so grateful for her friendship :)
7) After a two hour train ride down to Champaign, I hopped on to a bus and found myself back in my dorm room. I dropped off my suitcase, picked up my school backpack, avoided the mirror and ran out the door to my Arabic class. As I sat in Arabic, a friend texted me telling me he hoped I'd have a safe trip back to Chicago. I chuckled to myself because I was already back... sitting in class. Whatta whirlwind. There I was, sitting in my most recent "world"... University of Illinois. The world that has shaken my other ones, leaving me scrambling to figure out how they fit together. The world that has forced me to see my own sin face to face, struggle with the most insecurities and feel the least at home-- ever. The world that I'm slowly learning to love... slowly, but surely, learning to love it.
And now it's been almost two weeks since the trip... I left a two weeks ago tomorrow. I'm finally starting to feel pretty settled back into Champaign and living and moving in this world again. The next month will be a crazy one as I will be traveling again, but hopefully because the trips are longer, I'll have more time to adjust and transition.
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