Robot

Two weeks from today I'll really be done with this semester. It's kind of hard to believe, now that this semester has been such an odd one. Beginning in January, I had plenty of new and different responsibilities so I knew I would take a couple of weeks to adjust and settle in to those. However, it didn't help that I had missed the training for most of them. So I had to hit the ground running... so run I did.
A month later, just as I was beginning to feel like I was falling into a routine, I headed out to California for the weekend. You can read more about that trip and how it discombobbled me a bit here. I returned to Champaign only to head out to Colombia three weeks later. After a week in Colombia, I was back in Champaign for a couple of days before heading out to Canada. Ten days later, I was back in Champaign ready to finally "get into a routine." Nevermind that the semester was more than half way over.

And so I went through most of the semester feeling as though it had never truly started. I kept feeling like the reason I felt out-of-touch was because it was new and different... which after nine weeks of classes, it most definitely wasn't.

And finally, last week Lucas showed up in Champaign for a wonderful week. It was a fabulous surprise and it was exciting to see him once again. I was thrilled to have him enter this world while I was still part of it. I was eager to introduce him to everyone and to show him my everyday life here. We headed up to the Chicago-area for the weekend so he could meet my grandparents and some extended family as well. It was a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful week =]

And now, classes are almost done, due dates are approaching and exams are just around the corner. I've realized that with so many tasks to do, projects to complete, papers to write and logistics to figure out, my body and mind are turning into robots. It's like someone flipped a switch and I suddenly am simply trying to get through the next two weeks. I'm constantly visualizing my to-do list and hoping that each time my mind pulls it up, it somehow has gotten shorter.

It's true. I've become kind of robotic. I wake up. Shower. Eat breakfast. Devos. Class. Lunch. Class. Work. Class. Dinner. Study. Sleep. And though I know I'm alive, I don't truly feel like I'm living. I hate that feeling... quite a bit.

I want to laugh and find joy and rejoice and let gratitude be my dialect in the midst of my busyness. I want to thrive and flourish in every season-- not just the fun ones.

I want to cry out and thank God every single day. 

I don't want to be a robot.