How it would affect me was definitely a mystery to me. I felt pretty solid in who I was and wasn't sure how this first year would change me. Part of me was stubborn, claiming that I wouldn't be "different", but the other more realistic side acknowledging that I am not immune to the effects of this transitionary year.
I'm not. I'm not immune.
Though I grew up in a developed city and have spent much time in North America before, I still experienced a certain degree of culture shock upon arrival in August. To say that it was no big deal is an understatement; to say that I'm fully adjusted, a lie. But to put that experience into words feels overwhelming, nearly impossible.
A year ago I was a high school senior, casually thinking about my possible future. Would I go to college? Possibly. I remember looking up organization after organization that promised an incredible gap year. I think I began applying to several. And then, in the end after applications and rejections and acceptances, I had narrowed down my choices to two universities: Wheaton College and the University of Illinois. I tend to be a quite decisive person, but for some reason, I mulled over this decision for weeks. Finally, the week of my decision, after much praying and processing and talking to others, I clicked "accept" on the U of I page. And that was that...
The end of high school feels like a really long time ago. And though I feel the same, I know that I'm not the same person who received her diploma in June of last year. In the words of Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr., "A mind that has been stretched by new experiences can never return to its original dimensions." Is that what has happened to me? Have I been stretched in ways I could have never imagined and now struggle to find my old dimensions? What is it that makes me shrink from change, though I understand that nothing can come into being without it?
And though change scares me, I recoil from a stagnant life. I don't want to be the same 12 months from now. I want to look back and see the ground I've covered with Christ. I want to pin point moments of growth. I want to be more like Jesus then than I am right now. I wantthis change.
But change can be painful.
Change is usually painful.
These last 12 months have carried me through a variety of circumstances: farewells, summer fun, college transitions, going back home, college routines and finally, summer... again. It's as if I've come full circle, but... it doesn't feel like the same circle anymore.
I've been challenged to think through my faith and cling to it when others around me don't hold these same views. I've been encouraged to allow God to change my idea of ministry. I've learned to love a country that isn't home. I've struggled to transition and belong, never having felt so foreign before. And I've been sifted and tried, prompted to let God flow into every aspect of my life.
And that... that has been a twelve month process, bound to continue throughout my lifetime...
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