I've struggled to know what to post on this blog about college life... my only updates since leaving Colombia have been, well... when I was in Panama. I'm going to resist the urge to make this post highly informative, but not very deep at all. Perhaps I'll write another post some other time detailing my classes and the what's going on... but I guess this post will be the other stuff... the stuff you can't simply see.
The truth is, I'm tired.
I'm really tired.
The last weeks in Colombia were really tiring as I spent every other day at someone's house in an attempt to spend time with everyone. And of course, goodbyes are draining. From Colombia, welcome week at U of I began... and was that ever tiring! Welcoming the incoming freshman took a lot more energy than I was expecting. The first four days weren't too bad because classes hadn't started yet, but nonetheless, it was give, give, give... and I was beginning to feel depleted. Classes started and the feeling of hectic-ness that seems a little too present in my life returned. And then I was off to Panama (read about that in previous posts). Not even 20 hours after arriving from Panama, I was on my way to Memphis, TN to visit some GREAT friends. It was wonderful seeing the Pinedas, Sierra and Matt again :).
And now, I've been back in Champaign-Urbana for a week. A week in Panama put me a week behind classes. And now I feel months behind in sleep.
A couple of days ago I walked into my friend Karissa's room and when asked how I was doing replied, "I'm okay. I'm tired... too tired and soon, that's going to open the door for a lot of discouragement."
And then came the discouragement.
I've been so overwhelmed by the emptiness and brokenness surrounding me. My heart feels heavy for those around me. I feel powerless to make any real difference. And quite frankly, half the time, I simply feel out of place. I wonder why I'm in America when my heart so strongly desires to live with and serve the poor around the world. Though God has enlarged my heart and is giving me his heart and showing me how to love America, I still feel like I don't belong in this world more times than not. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of friends who are seeking God and how little time I have. I'm not sure how else to spend time with people... and I know that the weariness has already settled in.
I was reading Psalm 42 today and I'll just quote verses and some of the thoughts that followed...
As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God.
I feel so thirsty... so desirous of God to quench this thirst... to give me rest. I want more encounters with this God-- the living God.
My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be: I walked among the crowds of worshipers, leading a great procession to the house of God, singing for joy and giving thanks amid the sound of a great celebration!
ECA feels worlds away... when I walked among crowds of worshipers... when this kind of fellowship was so welcoming and so encouraging and so refreshing. Worlds away.
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! [...] Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you-- [...] I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. But each day the LORD pours out his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.
Ah, praise Jesus. I loved this part. Sooo good :)
Prayer changes things. Pray for me. Pray for those around me. Pray for strength. Pray for rest. Pray for joy. Pray for hope.
Thanks for all your prayers and support :)
The truth is, I'm tired.
I'm really tired.
The last weeks in Colombia were really tiring as I spent every other day at someone's house in an attempt to spend time with everyone. And of course, goodbyes are draining. From Colombia, welcome week at U of I began... and was that ever tiring! Welcoming the incoming freshman took a lot more energy than I was expecting. The first four days weren't too bad because classes hadn't started yet, but nonetheless, it was give, give, give... and I was beginning to feel depleted. Classes started and the feeling of hectic-ness that seems a little too present in my life returned. And then I was off to Panama (read about that in previous posts). Not even 20 hours after arriving from Panama, I was on my way to Memphis, TN to visit some GREAT friends. It was wonderful seeing the Pinedas, Sierra and Matt again :).
And now, I've been back in Champaign-Urbana for a week. A week in Panama put me a week behind classes. And now I feel months behind in sleep.
A couple of days ago I walked into my friend Karissa's room and when asked how I was doing replied, "I'm okay. I'm tired... too tired and soon, that's going to open the door for a lot of discouragement."
And then came the discouragement.
I've been so overwhelmed by the emptiness and brokenness surrounding me. My heart feels heavy for those around me. I feel powerless to make any real difference. And quite frankly, half the time, I simply feel out of place. I wonder why I'm in America when my heart so strongly desires to live with and serve the poor around the world. Though God has enlarged my heart and is giving me his heart and showing me how to love America, I still feel like I don't belong in this world more times than not. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of friends who are seeking God and how little time I have. I'm not sure how else to spend time with people... and I know that the weariness has already settled in.
I was reading Psalm 42 today and I'll just quote verses and some of the thoughts that followed...
As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God.
I feel so thirsty... so desirous of God to quench this thirst... to give me rest. I want more encounters with this God-- the living God.
My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be: I walked among the crowds of worshipers, leading a great procession to the house of God, singing for joy and giving thanks amid the sound of a great celebration!
ECA feels worlds away... when I walked among crowds of worshipers... when this kind of fellowship was so welcoming and so encouraging and so refreshing. Worlds away.
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! [...] Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you-- [...] I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. But each day the LORD pours out his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.
Ah, praise Jesus. I loved this part. Sooo good :)
Prayer changes things. Pray for me. Pray for those around me. Pray for strength. Pray for rest. Pray for joy. Pray for hope.
Thanks for all your prayers and support :)
Hang in there, buddy!
ReplyDeleteUm, you seem like a nice girl, searching for God's heart. He will give you rest, you must trust Him, who knows all things. He will take care of you.
I know God will do much of your life... how can he not, with all the love I'm seeing in your blog? :)