Addicted

We're addicted to hurry.

In the last several weeks I've become more and more aware of how hurried our lives can be. We cram our schedules, leaving but a couple of minutes of margin in between appointments. Oh, I'm sorry, I'll speak for myself. I cram my schedule: Class from 3:00-3:50, meeting at 4:00, dinner at 5 and Bible study at 6:00. Cram, cram, cram. I squeeze in lunch dates so that I can spend time with people, and then, because they're squeezed in, I linger to make them last just a litle bit longer, and because I lingered, I'm off running, late to my next engagement. I find myself wishing I had time for a nap far too often, knowing that if I take the time to nap, then I'll be up late that night. Sometimes I succumb; I'll probably be up late anyway.

Yes, we-- oh, sorry-- I am addicted to hurry.

During worship on Sunday the worship pastor said that he had had an excellent week of following Jesus and wondered if anyone else felt that way. A few hands went up. He asked for people to call out why they felt it had been an "better than average week." Words like "discipline" and "rest" or "obedience" or "prayer" were shouted out. Then he asked if anyone had had a less-than-average week following Jesus. I heard people call out words like "busyness" and "exhaustion."

Standing there listening to this got my mind spinning again. This obsession with hurry-- with busyness-- is pervasive. It's everywhere. We rush through meals, rush through phone calls, rush through traffic, rush through devotions, rush through appointments and rush to meet deadlines.

I've become increasingly aware of my tendency to rush through life and hurry through things. I've noticed my propensity toward crowding out things I care about in order to be more "efficient" with my time. See? I can balance my life and two-and-a-half others! Clearly, I am being productive as long as my never-ending to-do list has somethings marked off.

Right?

Laundry. Check.

No... perhaps efficiency and productivity is more about keeping the list short rather than finding things to check off.

This last week I've thrown my internal clock a wrench. Alarm clock? No way. Schedule? We'll figure it out. Feel like running? Or napping? Or eating? Or Skyping? Sure. And yet, I've finished two final papers, and two exams in the last week. I've been able to serve at PADS and Skype friends who I've struggled to keep in touch with. I've been able to play games with my grandparents and go on walks with God.

And still, I find my mind whirring like an incessant machine at times. It's confused. Why isn't there something to hurry off to? Something that needs to be rushed? At times, I must admit, I feel like I'm losing my mind. There's nothing to do; I worry that I'm being lazy, or unproductive, or inefficient.

Is this "losing-my-mind" stage my withdrawal from hurriedness?

I'm so sick of answering "tired" when asked how I'm doing. I hate hearing myself answer, "Good, but busy!" when asked how life is going. I don't like it and I'm sick of it.

And yet, the idea of not doing much seems terrifying. Shouldn't I be doing something productive? Gaining new skills or a wider work experience? Making money? Saving money? Getting work accomplished? I get squirmy and uncomfortable with the thought of not having much to do. Will I pick up a book and read for pleasure? Will I go on walks, and sit outside to see the sunset-- just because? Will I rest and be replenished, ready to pour out and serve? Or will I lose my mind because I'm not busy?

I know that I need more margin. I know that I need more down-time. I constantly have to fight this achieve, produce, gain mentality that has sunken in.

I must. I don't want to cut corners on the things and people that matter most. I don't want to give them corners. I want to give them the best me possible, knowing that they love the worst me too. I'm not exactly sure what this summer is going to look like, but I hope that I find time to simply sit... to rest... to breathe.

And on that note, I'm off to take a nap :)